Sunday, 28 June 2009

I really hate Twilight

Because I refuse on principle to do a blog on Michael Jackson; I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, this week’s blog comes to you in the form of a link to another blog by someone else entirely, in which is embedded a video made by yet another person. This video is made of win.

Here it is. It’s worth noting if you didn’t already realise that the guy is from Twilight and the chick is Buffy, in case that wasn’t obvious.

Those of you who know me will know all about my complete distain for Twilight, which is why I find this video so satisfying. If you haven’t seen (or read) Twilight then congratulations, you have so far managed to escape that appalling pile of bile. To fill you in, it’s about a girl who moves to live with her father in a small town in the north east USA. There she quickly befriends a variety of rather cliché and uninspiring characters that make up the teenage population of this overly blue town (as you can see from the video the film makers had some sort of blue fetish) She also encounters and is inexplicably attracted to a dark brooding asshole called Edward, who is also a vampire. Well he sparkles in the sunlight, and can run very fast, and can read people’s mind for some reason, and doesn’t kill people… he’s not a very good vampire; mostly he just broods because that’s supposed to be attractive in a guy. You can tell the target audience has low self-esteem. Anyway, somehow these two eventually hook up because nonchalance, stalking and borderline domestic abuse are all great ingredients for a functional and healthy relationship. The two emo lovebirds then start getting hunted by some real vampires (in that they kill people, although they still sparkle in the sunlight and tend to brood a fair bit) and we finally get some action rather than all the horrible, pointless drama which dominated the rest of the film.

Ok, so now you don’t need to watch it. As you can probably tell I really don’t like this film, mostly because it felt like it was written by a 14 year old girl. The characters are cliché, the plot is predictable, the setting is corny and the dialogue is painfully forced. The pacing is terrible; it’s over 2 hours long and you don’t even meet the antagonists until about half an hour until the end. Even then the action is rushed so we can get back to more soppy and terribly written teen drama and pathetic romance. It’s worrying that there are writers getting paid to churn out this crap and even more worrying that the film was a massive success.

Even the CGI and stunts were done badly. Normally bad films are slightly redeemed by the fact that they’re really well made; the recent Bond film had awesome special effects for example. However Twilight does even have this to fall back on; the stunts are obviously faked and the film is flooded with blue all the time. I literally can think of no redeeming features of the film apart from the occasional piece of nice scenery, but when I’m searching this hard I know I should just give up and accept that there is nothing good of any note about the film.

Which is why I found that video so entertaining; it took the piss out of a film I disliked intensely. There is a sequel coming out later this year, I may even watch it just so I can rant about how bad that was… or I may use that time doing something less painful like drilling holes in my fingertips with an electric drill. I hope you liked the video as much as I did, which you probably would have done had you seen the film, if you hadn’t then I hope you can appreciate it anyway.

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